More thoughts on Gayness, and Vegas!

Spent some time w/ the parental units this week - met up with them in Vegas for two days. First, let me start off by saying: California Hotel and Casino - whoa, you've really gone downhill. I don't think I ever want to stay with you again. Your casino hasn't been updated in three years, and your rooms for even longer. Even for a budget price of $45/night, I expect, at the very least, not to find yesterday's guests' facial hair in the sink, or in the bathroom. Your food looks like you're contracting with a hospital and/or prison caterer - and really, when the *best* thing on your menu is Zippy's chili, flown in daily, you really gotta think about upping your game.

In other news, I think I've gotten to the point that my wife's been trying to guide me to for the past couple of years. I do, in fact, love my parents. I understand that it's been hard for them to acknowledge and accept my gayness.  I struggle to find the empathy that I need to really understand their point of view, especially when there are a lot of ingrained (and sometimes hurtful) behaviors in my family.  Meeting them on neutral territory, where they are actually carefree and happy all the time, really helps.

Thoughts on Gayness, and Pride

I attended a seminar sponsored by the Buddhist Churches of America this past Saturday at the Jodo Shinshu Center in Berkeley.  I haven't had much time to decompress from the busy weekend, but needed to capture a few things down for posterity.  The seminar was keynoted by George Takei (yes, that George Takei), who spoke about his path of coming out, what it was like being a closeted gay man in Hollywood in the 60s, and what brought him out of the closet.  

I asked him a question, at the end of his talk, about what advice he'd give parents struggling with having a gay child. Paraphrasing his response, somewhat, he said, "There's nothing unnatural about being gay. A parent deciding not to love their child for any reason is unnatural."  He spoke of the universal oneness of being, a very key concept in Shin Buddhism, and gave us an analogy of an ocean, and a person's ego being a wave on the ocean, and then dissipating back into the greatness of it all.  He spoke of interconnectedness, and how change is possible when it starts at the most atomic level of our self.

Another speaker shared her experience about being trans, growing up as a nisei during the war, and a child of a minister. Unbelievably moving - and struck a lot of chords with me about the power that our parents have to influence the course of our lives, in good and bad ways. Couple that with the macho culture of Japan, and its unbending societal and familial obligations - it's amazing that she is who she is today, and that she has found peace.

Last set of speakers touched me the most - Pieper and Lois Toyama - both retired educators with a gay daughter. Both from Hawaii - with the unique cultural experience that I find hard to explain to people. The unconditional love that they bear for their daughter is awesome, but so hard to encounter when juxtaposed with my parents, with whom I have a somewhat estranged relationship. 

I've had a few years to deal with the awful summer that I went home with my wife, and it pains me to acknowledge that I feel very little positive emotion of any kind towards them. I understand that they are from a different generation, and that the insular Hawaii society still holds heavy sway over them. I'm sure I embarrass them. I'm sure I'm a disappointment to them. I'm sure that the way that I choose to dress, and how I carry myself through life is a burden for them.  I don't think I love them anymore, which breaks my heart to admit.

I'm getting older now, and while I'm not an old granny yet, my childhood memories fade with every passing year, or get distorted by the new lens through which I view them. I find myself having trouble remembering good things about my parents and about my childhood. I can still remember sitting on my dad's lap, and I can still remember my mom bathing me, but I don't remember much else.  I feel ashamed to admit that I think I will only feel relief when the burden of their expectations is lifted from me with their inevitable deaths.

My last three visits were obligatory - my last remaining grandparent passing, and some trumped up excuse about magical computer problems that only I could solve. I don't remember much about them, other than keeping myself as busy as possible away from them to avoid the inevitable, hurtful remarks about my clothes, my haircut, or weight.

At this point, do I owe them anything, other than the thankfulness that I feel when I reflect on the biological details of my *life*?  Should I feel anything other than faint nostalgia for memories that are now foggy?

I go to temple now because there was something missing in my life. There's nothing offensive about the doctrine, and I've carved out a few hours a week to reflect on me, the teachings of a wise man, in a community that looks SO MUCH like my mom, but doesn't judge me (at least, not to my face). I find peace there, occasionally wisdom, and an eclectic community of people. It's not the complete substitute for family, but outside of my wife, it's the closest thing I can get.  I'll take it.

The many faces of Miguel Herrera...

Overheard Today (and also, it's HOT in SF)

Today started abnormally. First, it was 75 degrees and sunny at 8:00am this morning. Every window in the apartment is open. It's hot in SF.

Windows being open, it also means that the stairwells separating the building are echoing sounds from the neighbors. I have two loud pairs. One has a kid, so that's pretty normal. We've been listening to that disembodied angel screaming every morning at 6 am for the past 2 years now. The other pair of neighbors, I think, are retired. They scream a lot. One of them has a recurring allergy or some other kind of phlegm problem that makes him sound like a dragon choking most mornings.

This pair, who stay home, and whom I can hear while I'm working at my office-in-the-bedroom, had the best conversation this morning. Started with me hearing AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long over my Iron and Wine radio station.

"This is hard rock at its best. There don't make music like this anymore"

"Yup."

"It's awesome. It's all BOOM CHICK BOOM BANG. Much better than that headbanger shit."

"It doesn't get any better than this."

Did I mention that these people are old and retired? Thank you, old retired neighbors who rock out to AC/DC on a midweek midmorning. You rule.

Consulting v. FTE

After a 3.5 long years at z*, I left to take some time off. After 6 months, I was wooed back to work at a company that a friend was at.  I lasted seven months there, and quit this past May. For a multitude of reasons, the company wasn't a good fit, mostly because they billed themselves as a tech company, but they weren't.

Fast forward to today. I've recently been engaged as a consultant for a client who wants some software built. It's an interesting and new gig. I spend most of my time doing the actual work that I loved doing as Product Manager, but without any of the politics.  I got a little taste of what those politics were yesterday, when I met with the existing tech team, who are definitely miffed that I've been brought onboard to build something that they either can't see the need for, or don't know how to build.  It's refreshing to realize that I can totally play nicely with this level of politics.

Working from home on a regular basis is really interesting. I've had to get a lot more disciplined about taking breaks. The first two weeks were terrible. There's always something to clean, or something more interesting to do. 30m TV breaks turn into hours, and there goes my day. Although much ado has been made about the maker's schedule for engineers, interrupts for anyone working intently on something, engineer or not, are just as disruptive.

My cat is a whole other ball of wax. He sleeps for most of the day, but wakes up around 3p and demands attention. He is generally successful. He does this in five ways, usually in the same order: 1. Scratch ipad. 2. push ipad off desk 3. Sit on keyboard 4. Bite laptop screen 5. Climb on my shoulder. Wash, rinse, repeat.

There are definite drawbacks to consulting - I'd say that the constant BizDev mode really sucks, especially when you're as inherently anti-social as I am.  The solitude of the work sometimes sucks.  And I've been especially spoiled w/ 4+ years of working in places that cater lunch for you. When I have to cook lunch for myself, there's a high likelihood that I skip lunch, or push off mealtime way too long. Paying for my own health insurance sucks. No PTO *REALLY* sucks.

All in all, I think I'm happy with my current situation - and my clients are really, really great. They've been open to a variety of different employment options - including full-time employment w/ 90% work from home. It's an interesting, new dynamic, and I find that I'm learning a lot about this different style of work, and I can get back to actually envisioning product, rather than just pontificating about it.